Trying to stay Positive

I’m lost. I feel like a spinning top with no direction. I am supposed to be married with the 1 or 2 kids. Sailing in the Caribbean with my only worry is paying for their college tuition. 

Instead, I am battling cancer, not for the first time, not for the second time (that damn recurring cancer), but for the third time. I am tired, in pain, and worn down. 

I try not to talk about my cancer much. I think it bores people. I do my best to brush it off and change the subject. That’s probably the reason I haven’t posted recently. It brings people down, and that’s not what I want to do. I want people to feel good. I want the world to be happy. I want to stay positive. 

Covid19 turned my life upside down. It delayed my treatment by three and a half months. The delay in treatment caused the cancer to spread to my lymph nodes and grow into tumours. 

I can physically feel the growth of the cancer in my body. I still don’t understand why the surgeons can’t just cut it out? It’s right there, under the skin. Just give me the scalpel, and I’ll do it. Wusses. 

This writing is about staying positive in the worst places possible. I know I will live, and I will find a way out of this mess. I need the right combination of doctors, knowledge, tech, skills and fairy dust. 

Now I will do the best I can to prepare for the fight and not feel guilty. That’s one of the hardest parts. When you feel low, and you don’t want to bother friends or family, and then you hear- at least you can . . . . 

That’s when the guilt sinks in . . . at least I can walk. At least I have a loving family. At least I have a roof over my head. At least I have a job. At least I’m not dead. 

That survivor’s guilt is atrocious. I can’t come up with a word that is the right word to express my feelings for survivors guilt. You should not feel guilty for surviving. 

But it’s the same thing with anyone going through any kind of trauma, whether it is a break up, failing exam, missed promotion or something as simple as a change in schedules. Your own pain and frustration is just as bad and shouldn’t stop you from sharing or seeking comfort.

Worse than the survivor’s guilt is the dismissive comments. If you believe someone has handled cancer “so well” keep your mouth shut. 

The phrase that I can’t stand is- 

“you are lucky; It didn’t affect you that much.”

I can not tell you how many times I have heard that message and just grinned and bared it. 

It didn’t affect me. My skin felt on fire. I lost all my hair, including my eyebrows. I gained 10 kilograms in weight. My stomach is so obscene I don’t even want to have sex with me. I had to take my navel ring out because the growth from the tumour misshaped my abs, I didn’t deserve to wear it. 

I feel faint, I’m tired, and I can’t do the things I love, like paddleboarding, climbing, and hiking all day. 

But I am here. I get out of bed every morning. I exercise. I’m grateful for my family, my friends, my dog and my life. I fight. I will do everything it takes to win. Don’t dismiss me yet. 

I am positive I will beat this.